rant
rant
Sept. 02, 2006, 3:35 pm
am determined to stand my ground tonight. dad wants me to follow them to their church tomorrow before my wisdom tooth surgery, but i'm absolutely unwilling to. what reason is there behind it? just so that i can chalk up a point, mark a nice big tick against the box that says 'attended church on sunday'
what is the point of making me go to church if all that there is inside me is reluctance and aversion? i'll go to my church, but not theirs. they know i dont like going to their church, not because there's anything inherently wrong with covenant evangelical but because i dont like going to church with my family. i dont like thinking that someone's looking at me during worship service, i dont like coming home and having to discuss the sermon on the way.
i'm sorry mum i know it hurts to see me this blasé about christianity, and i know it's bewildering that i seem to hate your church for no good reason, but it's not your church that's the problem. it's you, it's dad, it's back to my childhood all over again. i hate going to church with you.
and i'm sorry dad, i'm not backing down, not tonight or tomorrow. i will not go to church with you. if i cannot go to fcbc on my own because of the wisdom tooth surgery, then so be it. church is skipped this week. i will go back to fcbc next week. plain, simple, fair. it's been ages since i was stubborn because i hate going against your wishes, but this is something over which i will not yield.
moi aussi
Aug. 31, 2006, 3:12 pm
me too.
25th august
Aug. 25, 2006, 6:38 am
grazie, il mio tesoro. thanks dear.
david gray
Aug. 24, 2006, 4:35 pm
Be mine, be mine!always loved this song, forgot it for a while, discovered it again in my itunes library and (surprise, surprise!) it's a david gray song. funny how i never knew that.
Winter, summer, day or night
Centigrade or Fahrenheit
Baby 'til your heart belongs to meBe Mine, Be mine
Thursday, Friday, short or long
When you got a love so strong
How can it be wrong now? Mercy meBe Mine, Be mine
Jumpin' Jesus, holy cow!
What's the difference anyhow
Baby 'til your heart belongs to meOn fire, my body's on fire, my body's on fire,
My body's on fire, now run to my side, mmm mmm
Be Mine, be mine
so much i want to say, but how do i say it? how do i explain how replaceable i feel as a singaporean, how do i describe how frustrating it is to know that dead ends exist everywhere and that education, a degree, a phd, is not the way out? how can i admit that maybe, just maybe, bio was all a mistake and i'm not competent, never was, and never will be? and how do i explain why i fear going back, why i feel i can only stand on the fringe this time instead off plunging headlong into things and getting involved, getting busy?
dad asked me yesterday if i would come back to singapore to work. i dont see how it matters. i am no loss to my country; for every me that they lose there will be two people (where from? china, malaysia, hongkong?) grateful to take my place. or rather i should say, for every me that singapore loses, she will be grateful to take two new children, two new workers, two new contributors, two new citizens. no loss there, none at all. it's a good deal really, almost a bargain. and we're always good at dealing and bargaining.
guilt by omission?
Aug. 16, 2006, 5:57 pm
just don't forget darling, that i always find out the truth. you have been, and i daresay still are, a good liar. you however, don't know how observant i am, nor are you aware of the immense detail to which i remember things. when the smallest things don't add up, my finger is on it immediately.
i still trust you, i do. just remember that i always find out the truth.
the campaign to confer the public service star on JBJ
Aug. 13, 2006, 12:55 pm
watched 'the campaign to confer the public service star on JBJ' with sau on thursday, and it was certainly one of the best plays i've watched in a long time. wild rice productions are always quality ones, i must say. pam oei was brilliant in the comic scenes (the receptionist scene! the receptionist scene!) and compelling in the more sombre second act. rodney oliviero has come a long way from his 'SPIN' (anyone remembers that farce of a teen drama?)days too. the play was pretty solid the whole way through with many gems of a one-liner, but i thought the post-coital scene was unnecessary and a bit gratituous. the ending had to be the biggest let-down of all-- the two leads dancing to 'dont stop me now' against a backdrop of projected fireworks. i really didn't understand what the point was... was it meant to be a metaphor for something? i didn't get what it represented and i didnt see why it had to end that way. well 'dont stop me now' brought to mind many a drunken night at ziggys and an accompanying warm smile, but other than that the entire ending scene was lost on me. halfway through the play i remarked to sau 'i wonder if the real JBJ would come watch this' and surprise surprise, at the end of the play it was revealed that he was indeed in the audience. caught a glimpse of him on our way out as well, sideburns, beard, whiskers and all.
at the end of it all i couldnt (and still can't) decide if eleanor wong (the playwright) actually meant to be sympathetic toward JBJ. for now i'm leaning more towards the 'no'. hmm. in any case it was 35 bucks well spent, whee :) sau can we do this one more time before i fly?
murakami's norwegian wood for 8 bucks, secondhand. should i?
york freshers' tea yesterday! rather pleased to see the incoming batch, though i didnt particularly meet all of them. wasnt feeling very social butterfly-ish so i just stuck to the first group i sat down with. it feels weird to now be talking about york so fondly, so enthusiastically, with such a sense of familiarity and almost, just almost, a funny sense of ownership. this is york, this is how it exists to ME, in MY mind. i'm really not looking forward to going back that much anymore, though i keep saying that i cant wait. in truth, leaving singapore this time is going to throw me helter-skelter into a confusing fury of apprehension, insecurity, wistfulness and... well, apprehension again. and the boyfriend may help to distract from it, but the boyfriend can do nothing to assuage it.
speaking of the boyfriend, i think my sarcasm is really lost on him. called him after church today, a good week and a half after we last spoke. or maybe i convey sarcasm using body language and facial expressions rather than with language. whatever the case, attempting sarcasm down a phone proved rather futile. 'i just called you to make sure i didnt forget your voice' this, said to the bloke who can afford to get highlights (WHAT highlights?! blonde is blonde is blonde) but not to call me. boo. but okay fine, it's hard to stay pissed at someone you don't see... and when the talktime is so expensive, you don't waste on explaining why you're pissed. so when i put down the phone i was smiling :) anyway it's not so bad, i dont miss him that much and if i do, i just go smell a plate of chicken rice and voila! it's like he's next to me, my chickenrice-smelling boy. i'll have to talk to him about getting body-mist. then again, it's good that he smells of chicken rice. when i'm back in york and i miss singapore i can just sniff him and voila! it's like i'm back here. hahahahaha.
and i end this post with a chortle.
nuanced at 3:35 pm
