gravity
gravity
Jun. 26, 2006, 9:47 am
If gravity let us go25th june 2006. not magical, but i guess this is as good as it gets. i'm happy :)
We would all go flying
And I'll meet you somewhere in the milky night
Away past the satellitesThe breeze is dressed so lightly
And it breathes onto this fire escape
Where all our secrets melt like ice
Leaving only waterNight will close us down
And change the view
And I'll promise you what I can
I forget myself when I'm with you
Please remind me who I amDancing like a landslide
Swinging round the living room
We fall like sudden rain from sullen skies
Singing to the radio's tuneSay my name aloud
And make it new
And I'll promise you what I can
I forget myself when I'm with you
Please remind me who I amDay so soon, hear all the traffic move
The sirens all fill this room till we both have to shout
From the road, watching the stars explode
You and I breathe so slow
How strange the sound
the magic is lost
Jun. 23, 2006, 12:00 pm
curled up in bed the other night and staring at the movie (yes, not watching-- staring) playing, i couldn't help but think, the magic is lost, the magic is lost, the magic is lost. and it's utterly regrettable that this is not a sort of magic that can easily be regained, although i'm the best sort of person to work magic on because i'm so easily captivated.
i wonder if that's how married couples feel, when they're 35, 40 years old and lying in bed next to each other. the magic is lost. but perhaps it doesn't matter so much if you lose that magic, if you've got something else to take its place. comfort and familiarity, patience and understanding, a slow unselfish love that doesn't realise it's giving and thus sees no reason to take. i do wonder, will that be enough? is it sufficient to keep him from straying and to keep her from disappointment and regret?
and i dont really know why i'm thinking all of this when i'm 20 and years away from (hopefully) marrying a man i (hopefully) love and who (hopefully) loves me. but im in a bit of an odd mood today, owing to the severe lack of sleep. so i'll let it pass.
over and over again
Jun. 16, 2006, 11:51 am
we've made a mistake once, twice, then three times. actually i think it's been more than thrice, now. we never learn, because we refuse to.
shutupandkissme.
rambling
Jun. 10, 2006, 10:52 am
it's funny how i cant seem to put a finger on anything anymore. i'm waiting for something, but i dont know what. i crave something and i have no idea what i crave so badly. there's a sort of numbness to everyday now, and whilst this may sound like i'm not doing well or that my days are dreary and depressive, it's entirely not the case. i'm not depressed or upset, it's just that i'm not particularly happy or satisfied either. so i've unconsciously settled on numbness as a way, sort of, of resolving this neither-here-nor-there-ness. and there you go, i've just managed to sum up everything about me at the moment. neither here nor there. in some ways, some things are in perfect equilibrium. like how i am reluctant to go home, yet somehow looking foward to it. like how i'm so grateful to be who i am and where i am, but i think i've made a fucking waste of my life. like how i love and hate you in equal measures. but at least i've made the right choices when it comes to you and for that, credit goes to another person thousands of miles away from the mess that we created for ourselves.
an unexpected email yesterday from kaiting (if you read this, thank you darling- much love and i'll see you soon!) made me smile and shake my head. brought back to those days, how i analysed, how i agonised! it's amazing to recall how much i tried to hide everything, how i pinned everything on you, how you could single-handedly make or break my day with your reticence or your intimate candour. it's even more amazing to think back and realise how much i actually felt for you, and how much of it i actually denied until i stopped feeling all of that and realised how much i'd been denying and suppressing. but now, now, now i look at us and i'm the happiest i've ever been, because we have something far deeper and far more meaningful than i'd ever expected, and i wouldn't trade what we have now even if it meant that i could have what i wanted back then-- because back then, i didnt know how good it could get, and i wouldnt have realised that getting what i wanted then would have stymied all the good that was to follow on.
so. lesson learned, put a check mark against it. it has actually been immensely useful, especially in the past month. let go in the good faith that more good will come of not having what you want. i applied the lesson beautifully, and that explains my certainty and pride in making the decision that i did. now on to the next lesson; much i have to learn.
my double life revealed
Jun. 06, 2006, 8:59 pm
ahh i have noticed my anonymous friend on the tagboard. *tsk* fancy revealing my double life as a brummie DJ! i trusted you with my secret and you end up posting it on a place as public as this. yes everyone there isn't a point denying it any longer-- i am a york uni student by day, dj extraordinaire by night-- and all the way down in birmingham too! ahh you wonder how i do it, dont you?
oh and one other thing, sweetie... 5 mistakes in a 35-word-long tag. very unacceptable. (my jc friends see me shaking my head. i'll bet they're smiling to themselves now, too) come look for me (i'm sure you'll have your ways, since you've even tracked me all the way to birmingham!) and i'll sort your grammar out for you, honey.
oh, and kudos on the strong faith in God. you ought to be proud of yourself; that's something i could never (and possibly will never) achieve. did that make your day? good. now run along and find some other blog to be weird at.
xxxx
random post
Jun. 03, 2006, 12:09 pm
but i must depend on a wish and a star
as long as my heart doesn't know who you are
the weather is lovely. off to play vball outdoors.
charmain is blessed
Jun. 02, 2006, 12:37 am
charmain does not know what she is doing, but she is just hanging on for the ride and going on automation until the glorious end of june.
she also feels incredibly blessed, and that's why she's still somehow managing to keep smiling.
she is also contemplating confessing to dad and mum that she's tired of pretending to be christian, but the only thing she fears is that they wont be able to take the heartbreak, because more than anything in the world, they love their Lord and they love their children. charmain is unsure how she might make them see that she's not renouncing her faith just yet.
charmain doesnt really know why she's blogging in the third person, but it's the first time she's done it and she thinks it's kind of cool. she reckons it's brought about by the status-edit bits on facebook.
charmain's got a lot of love to give, and understands what it means to yield and to forgive. she can't help but realise that shuen's prophecy, delivered in a physics lecture 2 years ago, has come true. she has become a doormat and she has been trampled on, and she doesnt really mind... though it does bug her from time to time.
all in all, charmain's been squeezed dry and wrung out, but her spirits are still up. she's learned to take joy in small things. and right now, that's all she needs. her smile continues to be warm, even if it is less bright than it was before. but give her some sleep and some time to herself, and that beaming bright smile will be back on.
trois gymnopedies
May. 18, 2006, 1:54 pm
where's the confidence, girl? where's the chin-up, bright smile, clever wit; where have the quick replies, sharp observations, ready comebacks and easy verbosity gone?
such a shame.
nuanced at 9:47 am
