11th april for the 20th time
11th april for the 20th time
Apr. 12, 2006, 1:36 am
happy birthday to me.
i'm twenty, and i weep. byebye teenage years. how awful that word sounds, how difficult it seems to get my tongue around it. twenty. horrid.
dare i hope that...
Apr. 10, 2006, 7:37 pm
i actually -think- i'm getting better, though i daren't say so for sure yet in case i jinx myself.
new template! again!
Apr. 10, 2006, 2:18 am
in the ultimate testament of my refusal to study (or sleep, for that matter), i have changed my blog template barely a month after having previously changed it.
i like this one better, though. julius and friends got a little too annoyingly cheery for me, but i do miss the little bee.
wasting time
Apr. 09, 2006, 1:03 pm
have finally found a radio station in the UK that i like... and it's one of those very small, region-specific ones. have tried the bigger stations like BBC 1 and virgin radio uk but they really annoy me. then yesterday whilst we were at kana's jess switched to harrogate stray fm and they had this soul night thingy which was quite good. came back and managed to get the stream of the station on itunes, and ended up listening to it all night. it's got loads of cheesy cliched early-90's love songs, but they're almost always the classic ones so you can't help but stay tuned with a smirk on your face. the trouble with other stations is that they play cheesy cliched early-90's songs that are abysmal, and more often than not i won't have heard them before... so it's really hard to make me keep listening. and stray fm kind of intersperses the 90's songs with current ones, and there's none of the james blunt nonsense that virgin radio keeps playing (on virgin it's fucking james blunt every 20 fucking minutes. he doesnt sing, he whines. and why the fuck are his songs so needy? needy men annoy me.) but rather it's nice doses of coldplay and jack johnson, the pussycat dolls, oasis and so on. see? it's a nice mix!
and obviously i haven't really got anything to blog about, which is why i'm sitting here blogging about the radio. am just procrastinating having to start work. boo. on the bright side though, i am two chapters away from clearing one entire module... and it's the biggest one, the toughie of the term--metabolism. so go charmain. gogogo. mug.
of strategy and being strong
Apr. 08, 2006, 12:04 pm
i like to imagine little scenes in which i get to be one wielding the ball, having it in my court, deciding how i want to play it, setting up the play, spiking it back down, hard, on your side and have the smug satisfaction of knowing that you're not going to be able to return it, but will nonetheless wear yourself out trying. score one for me.
but of course that's all in my imagination. where i get to be strong and stamp on everything i'm feeling and say no, no i'm going to listen to my head instead and i will do the right thing, and i get to rub your face in the fact that you've been a prick. and of course because it's in my imagination, i manage to get myself to the point where i could have something to be strong about, where i would have a proposition to say no to, where i could hurt you. but that's not going to happen, is it? the reality is that the ball is in your court, always has been, and you're a master of the game. the thing is, you dont rely on sheer brute force of an attack. you use deception. strategy. do a little fake, make me fall for it, and before i even realise it i'm the one who's lost because i failed to anticipate that you'd be quite so clever about it. and for you it's been point, set, match all along... and will continue to be.
but there is one way i could trump you. yes you hold all the cards in your hand now, but there's one i can take back. i'm waiting and watching to see if you'll give it back, but i doubt you will... so it's really up to me, and i'll see if i'm strong or smart enough to wrest it from your grip.
i don't know why i can't let it rest. when you come back and i see you, i'll know whether these 5 weeks have sharpened my wits and strengthened my resolve, or if i'll always be the foolish, weak dimwit when it comes to us.
c'est tout.
hove!
Apr. 06, 2006, 6:46 pm
i've just returned from brighton! came back via london victoria, so i managed to grab a dozen krispy kreme original glazed doughnuts (i REFUSE to spell them as 'donuts'. that spelling annoys me.) in that wonderful spotty box they have *beam* and everything is wonderful again, thanks to krispy kreme. well okay thanks to krispy kreme and something(one?) else. hoho.
hove was lovely and sunny-i actually got a bit of a tan! unfortunately only my face got that tan... it wasnt actually warm enough to bare arms or legs. the pier is gorgeous! charming kitsch, i'd say. and the blue, blue sea and flocks of screaming seagulls and stripey deckchairs were very quintessentially english-seaside. eating fish and chips on the pebbled beach completed the english seaside experience for me :D and hove's got the loveliest, quirkiest shops... found this vintage shop with all kinds of movie prints and i got 10 of them... pulp fiction, charlie's angels, the attack of the 50-ft women (haha i LOVE that one), psycho, etc. if i've the money i'm definitely going back to shop for stuff for my room. also went to this fabulous milkshake place where i had a banoffee muffin shake. what can i say. it was glorious. you can basically put anything and everything you want inside your milkshake... george had jelly tots in hers, gina had reese's cups, and alice had jelly babies. i secretly think mine was the best. hoho. oh i forgot to add-- on the first night i was there we went to this brilliant place called joogleberry where there was live music by seriously good acts. we had a bloke who was as good as jack johnson, and another duo of lads who sounded like an edgier version of jason mraz . there was another girl who annoyed the hell out of me because she did a cover of 'otherside' by the rhcp and completely ruined it, but she redeemed herself a little with a self-composed song that (admittedly) did quite speak to me. why doesnt york have things like that? boo.
photos will be up if i can be arsed to upload them! and gladys teo kahli will be coming up to york on monday, YAY! i love you kahli. have to run now, kana's hosting dinner at her place!
posting for the sake of it
Mar. 19, 2006, 12:52 pm
i am both sick with longing and sick of longing.
anyway. went dress-shopping yesterday, and did the unimaginable. tried on the most daring dress i never imagined myself in, haha. but it's gorgeous. entirely bare-backed all the way down to the lower, lower back... obviously not something you wear a bra with. deep plunging v-neckline, very retro red polka-dotted print. unfortunately due to a lack of funds and lack of boobs, the dress will never be mine to own. want the gorgeous black zara one for 30quid, but that wont be mine either because they haven't got it in my size.
tomorrow i begin studying. and today is filled with dread. tomorrow i begin forgetting. and today is filled with dread.
just a happy day
Mar. 17, 2006, 11:42 pm
today was one of the happiest days i've had for some time now, and the thing is -nothing- happened in particular. it was just... happifying. just because.
the day didnt start off too well, what with me waking up with what felt like a hangover despite having had only a mere solitary glass of rum coke before bed, and the grey gloomy skies. tried to do laundry but all the machines were in use... so decided to go out to the village to pick up my parcel from the post office, and grab a brown's sandwich. and whilst walking out, i bumped into jess and kana and ended up helping jess move her stuff into kana's derwent room. so we crossed campus with huge bags... i was carrying bedding and two pillows. very amusing. ran our errands in the village (they didnt have my parcel! very annoying. i arranged to have it sent to the post office because of what happened the last time, when it was redelivered thrice even though i was in to receive the parcel, so i figured now i'd do the work and go pick it up myself. no point. fuck you, royal mail.) and went back to kana's kitchen for lunch. then headed back to my room and kind of messed around for a bit before going to watch cache with fauziah at york city screen. cache was rubbish. and the saddest bit was that it had immense potential, but failed to realise any of it. and you'd think it would be hard to make a film with such a promising plot and skilled cast rubbish, but boyohboy did they manage it. NOT worth 5.50; should have listened to nick when he said it would be crap. then again, i think i was quite justified in doubting his taste in movies. this after all, is the boy who convinced me (and fauz too, technically) to watch casanova, a heath ledger-sienna miller farce of a movie. ANYWAY. spent some time in borders after the movie, which was a mistake because it just made me sick with longing for all the glorious books in there. richard dawkins, the selfish gene. alain de botton, essays in love/how proust can change your life. harumi murakami, norwegian wood. everything is illuminated, jonathan safran foer. the unconsoled, kazuo ishiguro. and the list goes on. speaking of ishiguro, they had a 3-for-2 promotion going on for his books, but it was a promotion that came about 3 months too late... i realised that there were less than 3 titles of his which i didnt already own, courtesy of long, neckache-inducing searches for his books in the secondhand bookshops here. escaped borders without parting with a cent, only to go to marks and spencers to spend about 13quid there. i dont know what i bought. beans, mushrooms, asparagus, mandarins, cookies, chocolate. 13 quid. damn. headed back to james to drop off my shopping, then it was off to sunny's for dinner! reached his place in a thoroughly bright and chirpy mood, which basically persisted throughout the evening. and it was such a nice evening, too. cooking with good friends in the kitchen, music, warmth, cheeky bum-shaving threats, laughter, glass of wine.
and so today was just wonderful, for no reason whatsoever. everything i've done since first stepping out of my door with a very heavy spidey (which is incidentally, *still* filled with unwashed dirty laundry) until walking back home from sunny's place, was done with a light heart and a huge smile plastered across my face. at one point i think i was just sitting in my room and beaming. at nothing, at no one. for nothing, for no one.
and now i am more convinced than ever that happiness cannot be pursued or created. it's a divine blessing, that's just what it is. and i've been blessed today! :)
ranty
Mar. 16, 2006, 11:58 am
my daffodils have bloomed. they smell bad. meant to put them by my bedside but i couldn't sleep with that terrific pong all about, so now they're cheerily sitting by my windowsill, about as far away from my bed as i can get them. well they actually look much better perched on the windowsill. and it's like a cheery yellow beacon that everyone can see from the james DEFG-block quadrangle.
am trying to prepare myself for study-mode. but there just isn't any way of doing that. i just dont want to think of the quiet emptiness of this house next week, with dimi and nichi gone to morocco and george and steph in tunisia... and me with my hateful books, hateful cell energetics and biochemistry, animal physiology, kingdomphylumclassorderfamilygenusspeciesYUCK, enzymes and parasites and helminths and bacteriophages... why is everything so hateful? i love biology, i really do... i just hate all that information i have to download. i wish i could pick and choose what i want to study... there'd be no ecology, no plant physiology, no evolution, none of that taxonomy/classification nonsense. yes i'd be a very skewed, narrow-minded biologist but i dont care. sometimes there's no reason to be 'well-balanced' other than to be politically correct. if i'm a biologist researching protein interactions or immune responses, i dont see how or why i should know about plants in a tundra or carbon dioxide emissions. so why the fuck am i doing all of this nonsense?
ranty again, sigh. will grow up to be one of those middle-aged women i hate, the nit-picky, fault-finding, complaining, patronising, i-want-to-see-your-manager kind. the question is whether or not at 35, i will be able to recognise that i've morphed into the enemy. probably not. hah.
nuanced at 1:36 am
